Tears of Pride and Joy

Here I am. It is four days before the first day of school and this time I am the teacher. I am scared to death.

This past year has consisted of a wide set of events along with a wide range of emotions. Conducting my last football game, playing my senior recital, singing my last note in choir, singing the alma mater for the last time, and of course singing my fraternity hymn for the last time were all crucial moments this past year. After living those moments of "this will be the last time for this," it was time to press on to student teaching. This was going to be a huge point in my education career and it was time to grow up a bit more.

After many early morning rehearsals, programs, concerts, and early morning commutes to student teaching, I had decided it wasn't so bad after all. In fact, I thought it was easier than a lot of my classes I had taken over the years. All I had to do was show up and merely act as a shadow to my mentor teacher for 12 weeks. Do as I was told and put a little bit of my own personality into my teaching with the help of my mentor. This was fun! The semester came to an end with a successful elementary program and very successful band concerts at my other schools. I could see that my clubbing and party days were coming to an end quicker than I wanted them to. My best friend and roommate was moving out in a matter of days and I would be graduating college soon after that. After walking across the stage and shaking my professor's hands, I felt a huge weight being lifted. I had accomplished something that not many people have the opportunity of starting or finishing. I had graduated college.

My summer began with a trip to Europe with my mom and sister. Such a blast! I was able to celebrate my accomplishments at the Eiffel Tower, numerous restaurants, in front of Big Ben, and seeing shows like "The Lion King" and "Les Miserables" on Broadway! It was truly a life changing experience. However, when I came back to the hotel room at night, I remembered the fact that I still did not have a job. After being rejected from four graduate schools, I was depending on a job for August. I had already had a few interviews and the positions had either been filled, or I had still not been contacted by that principal. I was becoming more anxious as the days went on.

After coming back to Weatherford, it was time to get down to business. I had to make and save money so I could have enough for moving expenses...wherever I was moving to. I started back to the barista life and would bring my applications to work to fill out for the different schools. I was called back for two more interviews. The first one was not where I wanted to be...I could tell just after being interviewed. The second one was in Sayre, OK. I had only been there once for Wind Ensemble tour but that was years ago. I knew it was in the middle of nowhere and well, it was not my first choice but at this point, I didn't care. I needed a job and I was going to give it a chance.

I sat in a maroon-colored chair outside of the superintendent's office as I anxiously awaited my interview. I could feel my palms sweating and I was running through all of the questions that they might ask me in my interview. Even though I had been through this process a few times already, I still felt young, nervous, and unprepared. Those things didn't matter though, not now anyway...the superintendent came out of his office and welcomed me with a warm handshake and now was the time to pretend like I was a confident, professional, teacher who was ready to take on this job, today.

The interview went rather smoothly to my surprise and as it came to an end, the superintendent said, "Well, we've heard many good things about you, Erin and we are not letting you leave here today without offering you the job. We want you to become a part of our family." Needless to say, I almost started crying right there in front of the principals, superintendent, and God himself. Was this real??? I had spent almost a year applying to graduate schools, talking with professors, talking with my cooperating teachers, applying for jobs, and e-mailing principals. My self-confidence had nearly been destroyed after being rejected from my dream of attending graduate school in the fall. I had been offered one job yet it was a terrible situation and I was beginning to feel like I wasn't good enough for anyone. I was a fresh graduate out of college with initially no experience. No one wanted to give me a chance and I had even resorted to joining the army band.

So this was real. I had just been offered a job at what seemed to be a relatively good school. Despite it being in the middle of nowhere, the people were very kind and during my drive back to Weatherford, I started chuckling and then I started crying. I knew in my heart that this was it. God had finally set a plan for me and I was going to take it!

The rest of my summer consisted of making mochas, working the music camps, working out to reach my goal of losing 30 pounds, and diligently working on paperwork and music for Sayre. I was completely gung-ho for this job and a fire had sparked in my life once again. I drove to Sayre every weekend since the moment I had been hired. Although the band room was a complete disaster, I didn't care. I was ready to clean and was ready for the challenge that awaited me.

And here I am now. It is 3:00 AM and I am still on my summer sleep schedule. I have been working very hard every day in the band room for the last two weeks since I moved here. I come home around 11:00 PM and watch the Olympics. I love the Olympics. It is refreshing to turn on the TV and watch something so positive that brings our world together.

The band room is clean and organized. The arrangement that the high school band will be playing at contest is finally finished after a week of writing, arranging, and editing. I am crossing off the things that have been on my "to do" list for the last several weeks. The only thing that isn't ready is me. I am not ready to be a teacher. Feelings of apprehension and anxiety have become so overwhelming, I find myself almost in tears. I wonder every day, "Can I do this? Am I really cut out for this? What will the kids think of me? How bad will I fail? What will the parents think of me? Will I be as good as the previous directors? What do the principals think of me?" My paranoia and stress have gotten the best of me. My mind is racing with information, ideas, thoughts, and questions. I don't want to appear to be insecure, stupid, or naive.

I want to continue this blog throughout my first year of teaching. I really enjoyed blogging throughout my student teaching and I have since then read through some of those blogs. I believe I grew as person, as a musician, and as a teacher by just simply writing. Writing my thoughts, my ideas, and my problems helped me to discover new ways of handling or approaching certain situations. I want to be the best that I can be. I want to be something more than that teacher that pushes kids off to the side and doesn't care. I want to be that teacher that was my favorite teacher in school and more. I really do care. I just don't want to fail.

I admire these Olympians who stand on the top platform wearing the gold around their neck. It brings tears to my eyes when I hear our national anthem playing and see that they are singing along with tears of pride and joy in their eyes.

I hope my principals and fellow teachers will be proud of me. I hope my students will be proud to have me as a teacher.

Until next time,
Erin Taylor